Wedded bliss?

Recently I attended a local wedding. It was an exciting day for everyone. The booze was flowing freely and personally I started making rather silly remarks way before we all sat down to eat.

I realised that as I was getting drunk, my nerves were going to get the best of me at the table and sitting with my family, I would have made a right fool of myself if I were to continue drinking as I was. So I decided to take a brisk walk through the grounds of the wedding venue to sober up.I have always been fascinated by the wedding reception. I have been lucky to have attended quite a number of weddings over the last few years. My friends are getting married.
I think it's the time for my generation. There seems to be a mad rush of everyone getting married. Soon we will have babies and christenings and the lot! It fills me with dread that life seems so enjoyable yet at the same time when one goes through these milestones, one can't fail to recognise one's mortality.

However, life has to go on I suppose. But weddings are quite a strange and stressful time for all concerned mainly the bride and groom with their families but also the guests do have their worries.One of the biggest problems to be encountered by the bride to be and the groom (if he is available to help, sometime they are not) is to design and allocate sitting places for the guests.
It gets even worse if there are one or two divorces within the family before one thinks about those who have fallen out. It's a fine balancing act.
The arrangement of tables so that everyone can feel involved in the wedding reception has now become an art which people are becoming wedding planners for, and being paid handsomely for the service.
One of the wedding sites on the internet advises that there should be enough space between tables for people to be able to move around. I thought that is just common sense.

There is advice against having a round top table because those sitting there need to feel like they are connecting with their guests. I thought that too was common sense. The problem is that most times I have been to weddings, the other tables are round. So, inevitably, one is going to find that some people have their backs towards the top table.

When the guests arrive, they have major concerns as well. I have always noticed how guests have nervously looked at the sitting plan. What is one supposed to deduce from that sitting plan? What does it mean of one's position in the "pecking" order?

There has been a "mild" rush to see that plan. One can only sense it. The questions in one's mind are unending. Where are you sitting? Who is at the table? We all want to sit next to someone we know. Someone with whom we enjoy having a conversation at times like these. After all we are going to be eating a nice meal and have nice wine with it. Some people dread having kids on their tables. They can make such a nuisance and they never keep quiet when speeches are being made.

For parents like me, there is a sigh of relief if the kids are invited for a start because we do not worry about childcare. But we do then share in the trepidation. We are aware that they do not like playing by the rules after sitting for a long time. We do also nervously look around the table to find out if there are other kids. They will, we hope, end up playing with each other. It could also turn out that the table is the "nursery" table.

I have seen people's faces sink when they have realised how far they are from the top table. Does this necessarily mean that one is not that important? It's even worse when one has their back to the top table. There will be uncomfortable times when the old chair will be pulled out and needs must be met; swung around for one to see the top table when the speeches are being made. Is it any consolation therefore to sit in the furthest corner and yet still be able to see the top table without turning around?

There is always a noisy table. Never fails to be one. This is the table where the married couple will put their friends from university. The embarrassing ones! There could be an ex-partner or two. That table will be expected to shout the groom down as they attempt to make an intelligent speech and they will interrupt the best man as he makes his speech with rude comments and sexual innuendo. The wedding couple always pray that the older generation are too far away to hear the cat calls and rudeness emanating from this table. And should they be able to do so, not be able to understand what they are going on about.

Those of us who have been lucky to be invited to a wedding can recall the moment when we have all sat down and realised the group one is sharing the table with is just wrong.

The ladies are very good at making conversation even when they are not particularly interested. There is a lot of nodding the head, keeping eye contact and responding with short leading questions. How do you guys know the groom?

Or is it because of the bride that you are here? Isn't it an embarrassment when you actually admit to attending because your partner works with one of the couple? The wedding party don't even know who you are!! They will compliment each other's choice of dress. A plastic smile completes the whole picture.

Men, not a chance in hell! There will be the obligatory, "What do you do?" question. When that has been answered and all the sub questions have been utilised, a huge void descends. Chris Rock the comedian has observed that we then start talking about the routes we take to work! Once the conversation gets to the "routes to work stage", we all know that it's time we asked for a drink. Many people, wonder why there is a need to talk to these people you may actually never see again? After all some tables are that large that one needs to shout over all the flowers and the glasses just to be heard.

When the meal is finally served, we all go into a different mode. I have on more than one occasion ended up eating the wrong bun!!! Is it the one to my left or the one to my right? My poor family have looked on in despair as I have plonked the bun on to my plate. I find it especially difficult to eat that bun off centre.

I have only just recently mastered which collection of glasses belongs to me. Even then, I will not trust myself not to pour water into the one for red wine. My easiest copout is to ask for a beer. Yes, that bitter with dregs at the bottom. Some people will find that horrific but I have on so many occasions been the liberating force as others have feigned surprise that they could also have a beer with their food other than wine.

These occasions are great. If one of the guests does not make a fool of themselves or one of the wedding party, they always end well. If the weather plays ball, we all assume that the gods are on our side. There are sore heads to nurse the following day and when the couple returns from their honeymoon, all the gifts have to be sorted and thank you cards written. Another group however is left in a far worse situation. Those friends who are yet to even get engaged! There is the hopeful hand holding from the girls. The men, who invariably are the ones dragging their feet pretend not to notice the subtle messages coming from their girlfriends. When will be next?