Wedded bliss?

Recently I attended a local wedding. It was an exciting day for everyone. The booze was flowing freely and personally I started making rather silly remarks way before we all sat down to eat.

I realised that as I was getting drunk, my nerves were going to get the best of me at the table and sitting with my family, I would have made a right fool of myself if I were to continue drinking as I was. So I decided to take a brisk walk through the grounds of the wedding venue to sober up.I have always been fascinated by the wedding reception. I have been lucky to have attended quite a number of weddings over the last few years. My friends are getting married.
I think it's the time for my generation. There seems to be a mad rush of everyone getting married. Soon we will have babies and christenings and the lot! It fills me with dread that life seems so enjoyable yet at the same time when one goes through these milestones, one can't fail to recognise one's mortality.

However, life has to go on I suppose. But weddings are quite a strange and stressful time for all concerned mainly the bride and groom with their families but also the guests do have their worries.One of the biggest problems to be encountered by the bride to be and the groom (if he is available to help, sometime they are not) is to design and allocate sitting places for the guests.
It gets even worse if there are one or two divorces within the family before one thinks about those who have fallen out. It's a fine balancing act.
The arrangement of tables so that everyone can feel involved in the wedding reception has now become an art which people are becoming wedding planners for, and being paid handsomely for the service.
One of the wedding sites on the internet advises that there should be enough space between tables for people to be able to move around. I thought that is just common sense.

There is advice against having a round top table because those sitting there need to feel like they are connecting with their guests. I thought that too was common sense. The problem is that most times I have been to weddings, the other tables are round. So, inevitably, one is going to find that some people have their backs towards the top table.

When the guests arrive, they have major concerns as well. I have always noticed how guests have nervously looked at the sitting plan. What is one supposed to deduce from that sitting plan? What does it mean of one's position in the "pecking" order?

There has been a "mild" rush to see that plan. One can only sense it. The questions in one's mind are unending. Where are you sitting? Who is at the table? We all want to sit next to someone we know. Someone with whom we enjoy having a conversation at times like these. After all we are going to be eating a nice meal and have nice wine with it. Some people dread having kids on their tables. They can make such a nuisance and they never keep quiet when speeches are being made.

For parents like me, there is a sigh of relief if the kids are invited for a start because we do not worry about childcare. But we do then share in the trepidation. We are aware that they do not like playing by the rules after sitting for a long time. We do also nervously look around the table to find out if there are other kids. They will, we hope, end up playing with each other. It could also turn out that the table is the "nursery" table.

I have seen people's faces sink when they have realised how far they are from the top table. Does this necessarily mean that one is not that important? It's even worse when one has their back to the top table. There will be uncomfortable times when the old chair will be pulled out and needs must be met; swung around for one to see the top table when the speeches are being made. Is it any consolation therefore to sit in the furthest corner and yet still be able to see the top table without turning around?

There is always a noisy table. Never fails to be one. This is the table where the married couple will put their friends from university. The embarrassing ones! There could be an ex-partner or two. That table will be expected to shout the groom down as they attempt to make an intelligent speech and they will interrupt the best man as he makes his speech with rude comments and sexual innuendo. The wedding couple always pray that the older generation are too far away to hear the cat calls and rudeness emanating from this table. And should they be able to do so, not be able to understand what they are going on about.

Those of us who have been lucky to be invited to a wedding can recall the moment when we have all sat down and realised the group one is sharing the table with is just wrong.

The ladies are very good at making conversation even when they are not particularly interested. There is a lot of nodding the head, keeping eye contact and responding with short leading questions. How do you guys know the groom?

Or is it because of the bride that you are here? Isn't it an embarrassment when you actually admit to attending because your partner works with one of the couple? The wedding party don't even know who you are!! They will compliment each other's choice of dress. A plastic smile completes the whole picture.

Men, not a chance in hell! There will be the obligatory, "What do you do?" question. When that has been answered and all the sub questions have been utilised, a huge void descends. Chris Rock the comedian has observed that we then start talking about the routes we take to work! Once the conversation gets to the "routes to work stage", we all know that it's time we asked for a drink. Many people, wonder why there is a need to talk to these people you may actually never see again? After all some tables are that large that one needs to shout over all the flowers and the glasses just to be heard.

When the meal is finally served, we all go into a different mode. I have on more than one occasion ended up eating the wrong bun!!! Is it the one to my left or the one to my right? My poor family have looked on in despair as I have plonked the bun on to my plate. I find it especially difficult to eat that bun off centre.

I have only just recently mastered which collection of glasses belongs to me. Even then, I will not trust myself not to pour water into the one for red wine. My easiest copout is to ask for a beer. Yes, that bitter with dregs at the bottom. Some people will find that horrific but I have on so many occasions been the liberating force as others have feigned surprise that they could also have a beer with their food other than wine.

These occasions are great. If one of the guests does not make a fool of themselves or one of the wedding party, they always end well. If the weather plays ball, we all assume that the gods are on our side. There are sore heads to nurse the following day and when the couple returns from their honeymoon, all the gifts have to be sorted and thank you cards written. Another group however is left in a far worse situation. Those friends who are yet to even get engaged! There is the hopeful hand holding from the girls. The men, who invariably are the ones dragging their feet pretend not to notice the subtle messages coming from their girlfriends. When will be next?

Image is everything

November is here. Christmas is only a few weeks away and its getting cold. This is the time of the year that I hate most. The days are getting shorter and any hot day is seized on by me as probably the last hot day of the year. In fact there aren't any days that are warm now. Its down hill all the way to next year. However, I love the colour of the leaves and one of my favourite pastimes is having that long lazy walk through a wood. But this is often tempered by the cold air and many times than not the endless rain. However, I am not alone here. I know that we the great British public like complaining about our weather. This was one of the art of conversation that I learnt pretty much as soon as I arrived on these shores. It was not taught. It was more like instinct.

The summer of 2003 is the last time that I remember a nice stretch of heat. The rest have been a wash out. What happened to the barbecue summer we had been promised? Did I miss it or was it a sick joke? For the summer of 2003, I remember watching the weather forecasts while in Bristol. The job was an easy one for the weather forecasters as all they had to tell us that was that we were to have wall to wall sunshine the following day and the day after that and then the day after that. An area of high pressure sat on top of the UK and refused to budge. I heard about Bewl reservoir and how it was getting drier. But for me I thought the weather was glorious! Or was it? Soon we were complaining that it was too hot. The gardens were getting parched and the threat of hose pipe bans was a reality. I was told of days when water tanks were left on street corners for people to fill up. Armageddon was going to happen on us! I started listening to the broadcasts. How was Bewl reservoir holding? She seemed like the measure of how the country was wilting under the relentless sun. Thank God she did not get to her lowest levels until 2005.



Having grown up in Africa where I had to get water from a well at times, I thought that it was not going to be that bad. Just a little discomfort especially where we had to flush toilets. I should have known better but I joined the complaining masses. Why is it then that we are never happy with what we have got? The temperature is never right. When we get temperatures touching 0C, we are experiencing Arctic conditions! When they creep towards 30C, we are now hotter than the Mediterranean regions and records are hauled out. I reckon even God (if you believe in one) gets confused.



I have experienced all year round summer. Its boring! Day after day, month after month temperatures hardly never going south of 20C one starts to wish for a rainy, windy day. A bit of atmospheric activity. There is nothing to look forward to. Even Christmas day can be hot! Yes, that seems like an attractive prospect. But my sincere submission is that when one starts to look forward to the spring and the rebirth of flowers and animals coming out of hibernation, nothing beats that.



Now that the days are shorter and the cold has started, summer holidays are in the distant past. The days when a huge proportion of the country were sunning ourselves in sunny climes, kids playing in the surf and having no care in the world have almost faded.


With that so have the tans. People are fretting with the onset of pasty skins. Tanning shops are doing a roaring trade. There is a popular belief that people look healthier when they have a tan.


People feel good about themselves. That look is better topped off with a slimmer physique. I find that interesting because the reverse is true in many regions of Africa. Anyone going back to Africa is well received if they are looking decidedly plump and pasty! I have stopped doing this now but I used to go on a fattening diet before I visited Uganda.


It was even better were I to be visiting in the depths of winter because despite the fact that I am black, come the winter months I would have my tan as well. This time though it is more like me looking a little lighter due to the lack of sunshine. My mother would look me over with concern if I was not fat enough.


She would order a fattened goat to be dispatched if she was not satisfied with my size. Tragically now I am having difficulty dropping a few inches. I have had to warn friends with whom I have travelled with back to Uganda that should the locals comment that one is fat, it is a compliment! And should they be told that they are thin, yes, they may feel good inside and its a compliment here but its a matter of concern in Uganda.


The reason this is so is that most of the Ugandan diet is not fatty. There is a plant called cassava. It is a root tuber and its eaten by so many people. Very drought resistant and heavy in starch. There are allegations that when one eats it, the body uses more calories digesting it than it gets from it. Therefore people can not get fat eating cassava. It's also better eaten if one does not want to exert themselves. It completely drains one of their energy leaving people lethargic.



There are concerns here in the UK that those on low incomes eat a lot of saturated fats and therefore obesity is rampant in this group. It's the other way round in many parts of Africa.


Those on high wages are the ones now facing medical problems associated with high intake of fatty food with increases in diabetes and high blood pressure. The people on middle incomes remain lean because they only indulge themselves on certain days only. It's sad however to note that those living in abject poverty suffer from malnutrition the result of which is death in many cases.


We may not be happy with what we have got but in many cases, these are just issues that one can easily laugh at. However, last Tuesday I saw a programme on Channel 4 called Bleach, Nip, Tuck; The white beauty myth.


Three people on this programme where not happy with the deal that they were dealt with by their races. A lady who lives in Brixton, South London who is of Jamaican origin wanted to look like Victoria Beckham whom she thought had the perfect figure. She had a huge bust and she wanted it reduced.


On the other end of the spectrum, a lady of Chinese origin wanted to have a bigger bust just like the white women she was seeing. I thought that this was just going too far with people getting really hardcore, wanting to change their entire person.


Again, I understand that people have the right to do with their bodies what they see fit. And I do hope that they get the help that they need both physically and physiologically because I can only imagine what it is like for one not to be happy in their own skin. I am in mine. So let us complain now about this dreadful weather!